Sex Addiction: Why Men in Power Act Out
By 4 Therapy
An Interview with Renowned Sex Addiction Expert Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT
Sexual addiction has affected some of the most notable figures in television, politics, and entertainment. David Duchovny’s recent public admission of being a sex addict, which followed swiftly on the heels of a series of political controversies involving Bill Clinton, Elliot Spitzer, and Larry Craig, are just a few examples of sexual addiction problems manifesting in men of power.
As these famous icons continue to come forward and be revealed as sex addicts, one by one, onlookers wonder why attractive, wealthy, smart, and powerful men put themselves in a position to lose so much. How could seducing interns, having sex in a public place, or hiring prostitutes be worth the price of public humiliation, tarnished reputations, loss of employment, and embarrassment to family and friends?
Smart, attractive, powerful people can and do occasionally have empty emotional lives. The source of sex and love addiction is frequently a lack of connection, genuine intimacy, and emotional support, says renowned sex addiction expert Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT, Director of Clinical Programming at Life Healing Center in Santa Fe, a residential treatment center for individuals suffering from sexual addiction, emotional trauma, drug and alcohol addiction, and other mental health concerns. In many cases, people who addictively seek out intensely pleasurable experiences to distract or stimulate them are attending to their emotional needs in dysfunctional ways.
Juggling the Pressures of Stardom
“People in positions of power often work 16- to 18-hour days and travel the world at a far distance from those close to them, while having to manage intense stress and pressure.” says Weiss. “They don’t make it a priority to take care of themselves or create and enjoy down time, and as a result, they are missing out on the relaxation, self-care, and emotional intimacy all human beings require for a healthy life.”
The less a person’s emotional needs are being met, the more likely he or she is to look for a quick fix to get by, explains Weiss, who is frequently asked to explain sexual addiction to the public on shows like Larry King Live, NBC’s To Catch a Predator, The Oprah Winfrey Show, The Today Show, CNN’s Headline News, and many others. Instead of slowing down and taking care of themselves or even recognizing the need to do so, some individuals, particularly celebrities and politicians in positions of power, end up feeling empty and entitled to indulge in a guilty pleasure or two – for some, that may be having a chocolate bar; for others, it may be something as serious as acting out sexually over and over again.
“Celebrities and politicians who are in the public eye in a prominent way deal with the constant pressure to be ‘on’ nearly all of the time,” states Weiss. Because they are often surrounded by adoring fans, gossip-hunting media, and photo-snapping paparazzi, they actually have fewer opportunities than most of us to connect with people in a real, authentic, and fulfilling way. And being healthy and non-addictive requires making it a practice to do just that.
A Life of Glamour, Prestige – and Emptiness
Generally speaking, there’s a certain type of personality that tends to be attracted to the spotlight. “People who work at becoming public figures often do so in part because they feel fed emotionally by receiving consistent attention and validation from others. They enjoy being in the spotlight.” explains Weiss. “Although this method of emotional fulfillment is fine, a problem develops when, in their drive to get fame and recognition, they sacrifice the emotional support and affection they also need to get from those who are actually close to them as people – not stars.”
Similarly, people with sex or love addiction often have an intense need to be seen. They need to be validated over and over again, and affairs and prostitutes have fulfilled that desire for attention and emotionally charged interactions.
Healthy people are able to strike a good balance between their intellect and their emotions, says Weiss. Their emotions inform their intellect so, for example, if they’re feeling sad they think, “Oh, I need to spend time alone, talk to a friend, or do some journaling to feel better.”
“Those who leave their emotional lives unattended or are unaware of the connection between their emotions and intellect, along with those who keep themselves too busy to notice what they are feeling, are more at risk for acting out their feelings rather than getting support for them. That’s what addiction is about,” explains Weiss. “Next, the person’s intellect starts protecting their acting out with drugs, sex, food, etc., because the acting out makes them temporarily feel better. That’s how addicts end up lying, keeping secrets, and denying the reality of their problems.”
For those celebs who rely on fame and external validation to meet their emotional needs, life can be even more difficult when the crowds thin out and they are left alone, notes Weiss. After a performance or a long day shooting a film, celebrities can be left sitting in an unfamiliar hotel room, tired, alone, and out of town – a situation that can lead to the repeated practice of self-destructive distractions or addictions to sex, drugs, alcohol, food, and other harmful behaviors.
Shielded from Consequences
People with money, power, and “celebrity” often have poor feedback networks, says Weiss. They are surrounded by people who are dependent on them for employment or security, which makes them reluctant to tell their “boss” the truth. Agents, managers, political advisors, and others whose livelihoods depend on the public figure maintaining his image will protect the star from honest feedback and the consequences of his actions.
For example, if a famous person gets stopped for drunk driving, his drinking problem may never be revealed or addressed because his lawyer bails him out, the publicist puts a spin on the incident in the news, and the celeb walks away with his image “unscathed,” but also with a feeling of invincibility, as he is denied the needed opportunity to learn from his mistakes.
“What might be ‘rock bottom’ for most people may be just a slip-up for a celebrity,” says Weiss. “Public figures can exhibit warning signs of a serious problem for years but fail to see them clearly because the consequences have been minimized or someone else took responsibility.”
Certain politicians and celebrities also may feel a sense of invincibility. “It is easy to imagine former president Bill Clinton, even in the midst of being investigated for sexual harassment, as he decided to be sexual with young intern Monica Lewinsky, thinking ‘I’m the president – what could happen to me?’ And because public figures are desperate to hold on to the image they’ve spent years creating for themselves, their attempts to avoid the consequences of their actions by lying or concealing the truth end up causing more pain and public outrage,” says Weiss.
For others, sexual acting out may be more similar to how most of us view speeding. We know it’s illegal and we know we’re not above the law, but we don’t necessarily think we’ll ever get caught.
An Excuse for Bad Behavior?
Are celebrities and other public figures calling themselves sex addicts as a convenient excuse? Some critics argue that it’s easier to admit having an addiction you can’t control than it is to admit mistreating the people you love. But according to Weiss, receiving a sex addiction diagnosis isn’t an excuse for bad behavior.
“If most days you feel fatigued and thirsty and your solution has been to drink a six-pack of Coke daily, no one would blame you for trying to use caffeine and sugar to get more energy and quench your thirst,” states Weiss. “But if you get a diagnosis of diabetes, which turns out to have been the cause of your symptoms all along and drinking Coke contributes to those symptoms, ignorance can no longer be an excuse for drinking all that sugary soda. Once a problem is identified – you have to take responsibly for managing it.”
The same is true of sex addiction. “If you know you’re a sex addict, you have the responsibility to attend to the problem with treatment,” states Weiss. “Admitting to sex addiction, or any addiction for that matter, is not the easy way out – it is a difficult problem to face, especially publicly, but it is also the first step toward recovery.”
How Treatment Works
The media tells us that stars like actors David Duchovny, Michael Douglas, and actress Halle Berry’s ex-husband, Eric Benet, were admitted to treatment programs for sex addiction. What is treatment for sex and love addiction like?
Weiss, who has presented on the topic for the American Association of Sex Educators and Therapists, the National Association of Social Work, the National Institutes of Health (NIH), and the U.S. Military, believes the most important function of treatment is stopping the behavior and identifying it for what it is: a maladaptive coping mechanism or means of escape. Since sexual acting out doesn’t meet the individual’s underlying emotional needs but serves more as a distraction, good treatment can help identify and alleviate the painful emptiness that drives the cyclic nature of addiction.
Treatment at the Life Healing Center in Santa Fe, New Mexico, is centered on identifying the underlying trauma and stressors that can lead to sexual acting out, while helping clients find consistent emotional connection. By combining a 12 Step, addiction-based approach with psychotherapy and trauma resolution work, the staff works with the client to formulate an integrated treatment plan that addresses each individual’s emotional, psychological, physiological, and spiritual well-being.
Sexual addiction is a very real problem that affects a significant portion of the general public, along with a great number of celebrities, politicians, clergy, and religious leaders. The good news is that as more public figures come forward, it is likely that the stigma and shame associated with sex addiction will diminish, encouraging others to seek much needed care and treatment.
